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People Buy You

I recall my very first big girl job. I was 20. I was big, on fire and without fear. I was the Director of Education for a large aesthetics educational institute. Someone saw my value before I even realized what kind of things I was truly capable of. This was the first time in my life I decided to buy a book in the airport out of the “self-help and growth” section. Now, I may preface this with I’ve always been drawn to guidebooks, how-to’s and magazines which instructed us on how to live our lives, get the best butt or the right silhouette for your body type, but I was not a “reader”. “People Buy You”. This book resonated and opened me up to the knowing inside of me that people bought my magic, they connected with me and it was through true authentic connection and a desire to help that I succeeded in this role. I was reminded today as I was doing my morning meditation that people do indeed and still do, buy you. They buy your voice. They want to know more about you. They want to feel like they get a part of you. They want to share in YOUR magic. I realized this morning, that I, shortly after leaving this job, lost my voice. For the last 9 years, I have had to go deep inside to figure out what my voice looked like, sounded like and what kind of story I had to share. I had to see what that person saw in me, extract it, clean it up, separate it from ego and honour my greatness. This is still a daily practice but I have such keen awareness around this wisdom.

I have been reminded how important it is to share what I have to say about so many things in life. As of late, I began to struggle to define my new “voice”, feeling like I have so many of them. I have had to separate the borders between the voices I knew and harmonize them into the refined voice I want to now share. I know that my journey tells a beautiful story and has themes of strength, loneliness and authenticity.

The theme of strength is one of finding ways to honour self and choosing the path I see regardless of what those around me said or did about it. I learned that there will always be a gallery full of commentators and naysayers and supporters. Just as different channels broadcast the same sporting event with different broadcasters giving the play by play, everyone will have their own opinions based on their own lens that they filter their world through. Everyone's opinions are based on their connections, experiences, and levels of awareness with their situation. We are not responsible for what others hear or process but knowing that what you did say or align to honours the greatest and highest good of all, takes strength. I am consistently reminded to have compassion for the different lenses that people use to process information and to have the strength to honour my authentic self despite this factor.

The loneliness is also tied to this. When I was a child I suffered terrible night terrors. I'd open my eyes and I couldn't get away from these dark feelings. I would wake up in pure panic. Something felt off. I learned to create this magical place in order to fall back asleep. It was reminiscent of my favourite board game, Candy Land, with Care Bears driving a big train through the candy coated forest. The creation of this reality created an escape and a safe place I could always return to so I didn’t feel lonely. The truth was I wasn’t ever really alone. I remember one morning waking up and hearing an echo in my mind. There was this little voice speaking to me, a narration of my actions as if someone turned on the CC, “She reached up to the cabinet and grabbed the bowl, placed it on the counter and went to the fridge to get the milk...” How does a 10 year old tell someone that they hear voices? You don’t. I couldn’t possibly. This voice was me. I just didn't realize that it sounded different. I was different.

I was always big, had a personality and knew I had bright magic. However, at a young age, I couldn’t quite filter it through the appropriate filters. I always knew I was a boss. I was 10 when I showed up wearing tweed pants and leather loafers to the first day of Grade 5. My 50 year old teacher, also fancied the same tweed pants, on the same day. I was strong, and nobody likes strong but I was actually really overcompensating to hide the fact that I was lonely. I lacked the gentleness required to make friends. I had trouble making friends because I was so "matter of fact" and I certainly had a gift to tell it like it was. I was wise. But I felt lonely. I pushed things away with my bigness and idea that I didn’t need anyone to help me but the truth was I needed to listen to that voice! I couldn’t see that my very gifts were running ramped and people just saw a bossy 10-year-old with too much personality who loved to shop at Northern Reflections because she outgrew Northern Getaway in Grade 3.

It took me 15 years to begin to understand what 10 year old Emilee was like and why. The loneliness like this is not what movies and television shows, even the radio tells us loneliness is. It’s the kind of loneliness of being unheard, misunderstood and frustrated with your surroundings. It’s the type loneliness where you only feel whole when sitting quietly, contemplating your journey and going deep within yourself feels like coming home- a skill I learned nearly 20 years later. Loneliness takes strength to break down the lens that you aren’t really lonely, you’re never really alone but I knew, I was different and that felt like loneliness. The truth was I knew who I was and I was good at it, I just didn’t yet know how to express it. When you walk an authentic path and you choose to serve yourself, you can feel lonely in a humanly way but so much richer in a grounded and supported way. Knowing who you are and being who you are is completely different. I knew who I was but when I saw how people reacted to me being who I knew I was, I retreated. I knew I felt good in leather loafers and tweed pants, but why the heck is a 10-year-old so fascinated by these textiles?

This brings us to my last theme. Alignment triggers something deep within those who aren’t aligned to their own path. The knowing I had as a small girl of who I was caused many people around me discomfort. As an adult now, I see many instances where someone's alignment triggers a reaction in someone else. Maybe they have disconnected from the universe and have succumbed to their ego. When people don’t understand you, it may feel that they cause you to question your values actions and beliefs and for experiencing this I am so thankful. The truth is, I have learned to enjoy getting quiet with myself and seeing how I am in or not in alignment with my beliefs. I have enjoyed recreating my aligned little candy land in adult form. Knowing my core values and reestablishing these pillars in my life allows me to filter every action and inaction I take through this criteria to determine if it is truly in alignment with my greatest and highest good and as well those around me. This process is not about asking everyone around you if you were right or wrong but rather asking yourself, "did the choice I make/words I spoke to honour my values, beliefs and dreams?” Your lens, not theirs. Self-serving and universally supported or appeasing the ego? Learn the difference in the voice.

There always has been a voice inside of me. It told me how beautiful and perfect my world was. I just had to get quiet enough to listen.

I'm bringing back my voice. I’m taking back my power and serving this world with all my magic. I want to share my new voice with the world, maybe a voice you already saw in me.

The funny part is people would never have thought that I wasn’t clear on “my voice”. I was a bold speaker in school, I have always seemed to have it together and know what I want and to find a way to make it happen. The truth is that I couldn’t make a decision, I second-guessed everything I thought I knew and stopped charging through because I was too busy checking in against everyone else’s ideas through their lens and not my own. I choose now to take action, have compassion and honour myself no matter the outcome. I released the fear around being great, took a deep breath and realized that the universe will always and has always had my back. It’s time to reclaim my voice and step into your self-serving, universally supported voice and stop pleasing those people who tell me what I should say, should do or should be. That’s their lens and I'm not responsible for their rose coloured glasses they filter my world through.

I have always known that people buy me and I hope that you know that people buy you. Be authentic, don’t be someone else voice. Know that you can be whoever you are truthfully, beautifully and magically. We’re entering the 6th month of the year and it’s a beautiful time to reevaluate the path and choices you’ve chosen.

Are you choosing your voice or someone else’s? Remember, People buy you.

photo credit: Klarisa Grace- The White Room and Kerry Trepanier - Kingsville ON

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©2017 BY EMILEE FERNANDES - JEM AESTHETICS ACADEMY